“One is the Loneliest Number…”
Marriage is tough. (This summer I will be married thirty years, and I still have to work hard at it. But, I will say it is getting easier). You can look at the divorce rate and see the huge amount of people that have great difficulty making it work. Regretfully, many people have had more marriages than they have had jobs or gym memberships.
Finances can make marriage double-tough. When money is on the line, you can see a person’s true colors. (There is an old Hebrew saying: you know what a person is really like when he handles his “kaso” – his anger; his “koso” – his alcohol; and his “kiso” – his money).
The topic of life insurance can make a discussion between spouses even harder. Who wants to talk about dying? Who wants to face their own mortality, or the mortality of a loved one upon whom you are dependent? People very frequently put up mental roadblocks when going down that road.
If you add to the mix a lack of connectedness, of not being on the same page with your spouse, then deciding to buy life insurance can be next to impossible.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take right now to open the lines of communication with your spouse and agree to buy all the coverage you need. Once you get the life insurance out of the way, you can move on to the next hard decision. The key, according to Henry Grayson, Ph.D., is adopting spiritual practices to heal your relationship.
Dr. Grayson’s book, “Mindful Loving”, brings together truths found in the fields of psychology and physics with a variety of spiritual traditions. He provides ten practices which can be used for creating deeper connections with people. He helps people understand how we co-create the quality of our relationships, and that even our thoughts about people (let alone our actions) can on some level influence how those people act towards us.
“In ego-based thinking”, he says, “We tend to believe that other people are doing something to us, making us feel often like victims of other people’s influence; but the reality is that it is well within our power to create what we are looking for. And if what you want is a relationship that is happy, joyful, and peaceful, then all you have to do is shift your thinking accordingly.” (1)
It stands to reason, then, that when your husband digs in and wants to short-change you on the amount of coverage he wants to buy, or when your wife wants to settle for too little, then you should not let him or her become the “enemy” in your eyes. That will only generate resistance from them. Better to consider them an ally from whom you need to gain cooperation. From Dr. Grayson’s of view, that should get results because you are already connected – you just need to let your positive feelings toward one another reveal and celebrate that connection and help you become true partners.
(1) Henry Grayson Ph.D., Mindful Loving (New York, NY: Gotham Books, 2003) p.50